Spices of Life

• It probably would have been deformed.

• Thank goodness you were only in your first trimester.

• It’s not like it was a real baby.

• Just get pregnant again and you’ll feel better.

• It was just a miscarriage.

When friends, family, acquaintances, and coworkers learn of my loss, they are going to feel they need to say something. They feel awkward and unsure. They definitely don’t want to make me cry (but I did, a lot, often, all the time).

So they try to come up with something to make me feel better. Somehow, they really do believe that downplaying the loss (only first trimester, not a real baby, just a miscarriage) will help me downplay it too. Or, that they can show you a “bright” side (deformed, nature’s way, not the right time.) Or give you advice (get pregnant again, don’t dwell on it, you’re only making yourself depressed.)

I’m not happy with these people. I wish I could have a personal guardian, walking around with duct tape and sealing their mouths. But usually they aren’t really trying to upset me. They want to say something. They don’t know that “I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. Please let me know if I can do anything,” is plenty.

Ignore them when I can. Just nod and walk away. And when I’m feeling up for it – I blog it. Hahaha. And explain to them what NOT to say next time, before they repeat these things to someone else.

                            ***** Wanna know the reason ??? *******

Copied from a website:

Those wonderful female hormones that govern our cycle and turn us into
emotional swingers right before a period, in early pregnancy, and in
post partum have an extra special role right after a miscarriage–they
often get completely out of whack and make our lives hell.

We already are saddled with a lot after a loss: grief, anger, guilt,
jealousy, frustration, fear, despair. It’s a terrible kick in the gut
that in addition, our confused reproductive system often sends out so
many mixed hormone signals that we can’t manage our emotions. In this
state, a casual “How are you doing?” becomes a cold-hearted slam. A
husband asking, “What’s for dinner?” is grounds for divorce. Can’t they
see life is horrible, our baby lost, nothing will ever be the same, and
can’t he make his own freaking dinner just once?

What is happening is partly the people around us–most don’t really know
what to do or say to a grieving mother–and part of it our inability to
process outside stimulus. These hormones literally become a jumbled
filter and so much of what we would ordinarily handle perfectly well–a
mess on the floor, an abrupt end to a phone call, a comment about our
appearance–will become huge issues.

It’s not really our fault. And hopefully everyone will give us the
space and understanding we need. We will get better, not because we’ve
forgotten the baby or the sadness of our loss, but because our bodies
have filtered out these conflicting hormones and now we can think more
clearly and organize our feelings into those that bear getting upset
over and those we can wave away.

If you’re here, and everything seems upside down and everyone in your
life is upsetting you, just take a deep breath, get as much time to
yourself as possible, and when the going gets rough, break some small
piece of inconsequential dinnerware. You’ll get better. I promise.

Credit:Baby Dust: Deanna  , Facts About mc

Hey, where are you going? Don’t be afraid… I’m not gonna eat you. Just explaining things that were unexplained. And I’ll be a lil bit grumpy for another 6 weeks only. Cheer up !!!

And many thanks to Kak Ya, Idayu, anyone who had gone through and share the experience -it makes me feel a bit relax, families, friends, everybody who gives me support, especially Dash - sorry for the horror experience you (we) have gone through. I THINK I’m OK now. Hehehehehe… do you?